happy 4 months!

Dear John Mark,

4 months ago, at this very moment, I was lying in a hospital bed waiting to walk to the OR. 4 months- in some ways it seems like ages ago, and in other ways I can't believe this much time has gone by!

It seems like ages ago because I cannot remember my life without you. It's like you have always been here. What did I do before you? How did I have fun? You have completed a part of my life that I never knew was empty. It is hard for me to believe that my life was as colorful or alive before you.

On the other hand- 4 months... are you kidding me? This time has flown by so very quickly. And that makes me want to scoop you up, snuggle you against my chest and never let go. I want to capture every moment, every laugh, every tear, even every scream. I don't ever want to forget this feeling of awe.

The night before you were born, I laid awake in the gold chair where I rock you every day. I was reading in the Psalms, trying to go to sleep- but my mind was so full of thoughts of you... who would you look like? what personality would you take? where would this life lead you?

"The Lord is my light and my salvation-
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life-
Of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

I remember reading this verse... so many fears of being a mother and knowing what to do with you... so many questions that I didn't have the answers to. This verse is one of my prayers for you- that you would know His light, His salvation- that you wouldn't fear.

I love you so much, little boy. I always have, and I always will.

Forever,
your mommy